Tuesday, January 12, 2010

12 Full Hours ... Ugh.

     That's it! 12 full hours of a game I'll never play again because I've spent way too much time with it. 

    N.A.S.A. and Issac Hayes is all I'm going to says. That track is the freaking bomb. The last two levels are stupid and full of crazy-long club anthems. They all melt together and it goes on FOREVER and they are really hard. That's as eloquently as I can put it. 

    My back really hurts as do my wrists and my dignity. I am never doing this kind of thing ever again. I will leave that to fat people. I recommend for anyone with a day off and a lot of video games to READ A BOOK!

6PM = Hour #10

     This has to be some kind of record outside of Asia or suburbia I'm telling ya. I may just beat this drum after all! Forget going past medium right now though, them shits is hard. Also, I feel as though my spelling and grammar might be starting to slip, (more-so than usual).

     The physical and mental pain seems to be bearable now but I can't help but feel my jowls slowly growing as I haven't been outside all day. Ugh. Let's just say after this and the new Kids In The Hall I am going for a jog. Or maybe just stretch on the front lawn. Either way. 

     The mash-ups are still very impressive and even though Rihanna's 'Disturbia' is used in what seems like every other song, each time it's different, fresh and still fun to play. That goes for a lot of tunes. The end now looks in sight but believe you me if I had the extra cash I'd be hopping over the Playstation network and grabbing some freaking new tracks!

     I feel like this game could be a lot of fun with a lot of people under two conditions:
1. They were all very drunk,
2. The person playing would have to be really, really good, (Mistakes = crappy sound)  
3. Also it would be nice if Rihanna could be there in person. 


Uggggggggh. I'm tired and letting pat play. He sucks. 

4PM - Medical Side Effects

     I can't help but think that as the hours drift by with such ease that I could be doing something more productive with my time. But if I wasn't enjoying this fine video gamed entertainment program, then what about all the hard, productive work of the people that made it? Surely it took more than 12 tiny hours for the designers and programmers and animators to weave this masterwork together. What about the multitudes of artists and musicians who contributed their toil and talent with sweet tracks and oh so many funky-fresh mixes?

     I think of all these things then I'm quickly and painfully reminded of the stiffness my hand joints are starting to feel at the mercy of this urban opera of the video game. Sure it's not the BEST game I've ever played, but it's up there. (Donkey Kong can keep his bananas because right now I don't want any of that nonsense.) 

     As of right now the game is starting to take a physical toll. Other than my joints, I've got major Swimmer's Eye, a visual phenomenon where looking at anything in the room other than a 'Hero' or 'DDR' type game gives these things the illusion that they are floating and melting apart and together. It's kind of nauseating. And my hand-eye coordination is starting to suffer. I find when I make mistakes in the game they last over more notes. The fumble just gets bigger and bigger.

     But I'm sticking with it! For Science! And lazy afternoons everywhere!

3PM - Woooosh

     So all the things one would expect to happen after hours of gaming are. Mild headache, eyes bugging out and my left wrist is starting to stiffen up. But you know, it never was a strong as the right one. Maybe that's DJ Hero's plan after all. To balance out the arm size in nerds once and for all... if you catch my meaning. (Because we masturbate a lot.) 

     Also one thing that's kind of surprising me is that some of the songs actually sound like crap. I can't name names right now but just listening to some of them they sound a little like trash. I mean I can tolerate some rotten tracks because I'm playing the game and everything, but I feel bad for anyone that has to sit there and hear them. 

     But I'm dedicated and about half way thorough I think. So lets keep this gravy train a rollin'!

2PM - 2 In The Afternoon

All I can say is Jay-Z is awesome!


P.S. I'm starting to get tired. 

1PM - Let's Talk A Little About Music.

     The '12 Hours of DJ Hero' experiment continues and I swear I'll try and think of a better name for it. For now lets look at the awesome tracks we've got to muck around with. 

My fav tracks thus far to play. 

1. "The Big Beat" by Billy Squire & "Lapdance" by N.E.R.D.

     The first track I played with the guitar option I didn't even know about! Such a cool feature for all you string jockeys who trained for countless hours on Guitar Hero and aren't ready to throw in the towel yet. Very slick shit, yo. This one's a winner. 

2. "Boom" & "Tap" both by Grandmaster Flash. 
     Arguably the father of all hip-hop DJ-ing, mixing and scratching his contribution doesn't disappoint.  This track is a real endurance race but well worth it! I mean my god that dude can blend. Truly one of the gems of the game, (until the Playstation network starts selling MY tracks online. Fascists.) 

3. "Disco Inferno" by 50 Cent & "Let's Dance' by Bowie
     An unlikely duo of a young hot shot and a tried and true favorite, much like Lethal Weapon. And just like Lethal Weapon this track is exciting, unexpected and so much fun to play. (You can play Lethal Weapon, sure. In a DVD player. I've got a very smug look on my face right now.) 

WARNING: These tracks will also make you want to dance hard, drink a lot, and have messy sex with the first woman you see. If you attempt any of these the tunes will most likely stop as you will have stopped playing. So try and get a spotter to play for you while you drink, dance and fawn over ladies. 

WARNING: Make sure the person who's spotting you isn't someone you will want to have sex with, as the music will stop when you start to do it. 

     I feel like I've only scratched the surface of the musical mash-up juggernauts that are still locked away in this game but so help me, I'm going to play them all. I'm going to play them all or die trying. Laughing and trying. 

12pm - Muncho Luncho

     Well hello there. I didn't see you come in. 

     It's starting to get a little tiresome. I think it just needs to be louder. Also I wish I had a bigger Television. And since we've got the xmas list out and about I wish all these walls weren't so bloody white. I feel like I'l not going to make due to impending insanity. 

     You know when you go to the zoo and you see two monkeys with their tales tied together and each one is running away from the other but not getting anywhere and all you can do is yell, "You stupid monkeys! Why can't you feel a tugging on your bum?!" (This happens a lot when I go to the zoo.) Well I feel a bit like both monkeys right now. Both monkeys and the cruel zookeeper who tied them together in the first place.

Better keep plugging along I suppose. It's still fun and is slowly getting harder, which is good. 

11AM - The Stats:

Here we go! 
3 hours
Medium Setting
2 training sets
3 real sets
50 stars
0 girlfriend
1/2 a bag of noodles
2 broken eyes.

     And to think my parents told me I'd never amount to anything. Well it's a weekday and while they're toiling at work I'm diving hard into video games and practically swimming in penne and hot sauce. It's the public pool of awesome, (but this time a chubby kid hasn't broken the diving board). 

     But for reals my eyes aren't bugging out that much. Besides I'm planning on getting the lazer eye hooey done in the next year so I'm not worried. Might as well mess the old girls up before I get them replaced, right? They can just replace them with like, baboon eyes or the eyes of a convict right? It's 2010 we've hit Minority Report tech right? Why do all the Gap ads at the mall yell at me whenever I walk by them? I need to stop drinking shampoo so much and get me some new criminal eyes! Then I'll see all of his horrible past deeds. Or I get the monkey eyes and I'll be dreaming in Planet Earth episodes which would be just as awesome. Too bad in my dreams I see both ... crimes against nature. (Cock-fighting, Bears wearing dresses and balancing on giant rubber balls, The poor bald children of Cuba who have to supply Donald Trump with his hair .... It gives me a shutter just thinking about it.

Time to drown out my demons with funk! Back to DJ Hero!
... maybe I'll drown them with a little more Pert Plus. Just a little.

10AM - The Struggle Continues...

Ho-ly shit! 

     This game is so much fun! I had no idea! I was a little slow getting up to snuff in the training but once you get into the mixes my god, it's amazing. And this is just at ten on a Tuesday morning. How awesome would this be at ten on a saturday night?!?! When I'm even more drunk than I am now! (Honestly the only thing that gets me up this early is a pint of vodka and the sight of the neighbor-ladies jogging by.) 

     The turntable isn't the easiest thing to use and can sometimes get away from you, (and right now my effects knob doesn't want to work) but like guitar hero it's not THAT hard to learn and after a little bit of practice it shouldn't be too hard to master. I also REALLY like the little-to-no wait time between tracks. That is the bomb! 

      But look at me I'm gushing here and in the interest of science I need to try and stay objective. Objective, Objective, Objective! I mean how will my wrists hold up after say, hour 10? Will the game lose it's luster by then? Will I ever hear too much Queen and Daft Punk? We'll see, scientific community ... we'll see...

     Thank god there are no windows down here to distract me. For now I'm just going to keep playing! 


     Admittedly, I've been slacking a bit in this first hour, I mean it's the morning! Cut me a break here, bub! I'm still in the training trying to fandangle these controls but it's starting to come along. 

     Installation was a breeze, it almost seemed like the game was already installed on my system. (It may have been, I dunno) and in usual 'Hero' game fashion the opening video is the sickest thing I've seen all week! 

     The training is also a lot of fun and it's surprising how quickly regular people can pick it up. Not me though, I'm young, dumb and all thumbs.  

But this first hour has gone by so fast I'm gonna get back to the game. So far it's wicked-fun! 

8 AM

     Adhering to my sterling physical fitness regime, like any modern day strong man, (The Rock, Popeye, Al Gore, Nas, Rosie O'Donnell) I begin my daily routine promptly at 7:30 Am with no less than 15 minutes in the poop closet where it's my duty to see how everyone in Riverdale is doing. 

     (I read Archie, I didn't name my toilet Riverdale. Coincidentally when I come upon an unusually stubborn piece of morning excrement it's not uncommon to hear me remark, "Oh Moose. You're never going to catch Reggie if you can't lose some weight" bellowing from the poop closet. Then it's time for the roommate's potato masher.)

     After that it's time to carb the hell up with as much cold pasta as I can shove in my mouth, (To ensure Riverdale doesn't get lonely later on) and proceed to install DJ Hero on my Playstation 3! 

     Stay tuned for when 9am rolls around and I'll give my official report on how well installation and start-up is! 

Monday, January 11, 2010

Science In The Now: January Experiment!

12 Hours Of D.J. Hero

Tuesday January 12th 2010. 

     This shall be a red letter day in scientific history. The attractive new decade is upon us, pulling up our preverbal driveway while the old, gangly and ultimately un-loved 'Two-Thousands" thankfully sneaks it's sorry out-dated ass out of the back bedroom window and into the mist of our memories. (Half-naked, cold and feeling more sexually rejected than ever the previous decade can just suck it and leave because we've all had enough!)

     2010 marks a sexy new age of discovery and innovation for the human race and optimism for where future technology and progressive thought can bring us and our environment. Being the acclaimed media outlet beloved by millions that I know this is, I'm going to get this party started off right! With a video game marathon! (But it's for science, I swear!) 

The Experiment:

     The long-awaited DJ Hero was finally released internationally at the end of October 2009 and we all want to know if it's up to snuff. Everyone is familiar with the gaming juggernaut Guitar Hero and it's revolutionizing of the way we learn how to play rock and roll music but can DJ Hero keep this nerdiest of torches burning bright? Is this new foray into modern musical gaming going to captivate audiences as much as the beloved Guitar Hero series?

     Granted, the hard nerds have most likely already played the living crap out of it by now but what about the rest of us who have lives and jobs and bills and celebrity kidnappings* to deal with? I'm not in college anymore. I don't have student loan money to burn on expensive plastic turntables and I'm sure a lot of other people out there feel the same way. So is it really worth it? Have no fear because the January 2010 experiment is going to figure this out**.

Questions are going to be answered!

Is it worth the approximately one-hundred and twenty dollar price tag?
How long does it take to actually master the controls compared to Guitar Hero?
Is it even fun when you don't have the controls mastered? 
Will I get a seizure from playing it**?
Will any of my scientific partners get seizures from watching it?
Will skill with DJ Hero help me pick up the ladies? 

These and more as I start at 8am and continue with regular hourly updates until 8pm. Here and on twitter!  twitter.com/jeffpwilliams     

     This is for science! This is for discovery! Mostly it's because I have a day off and I don't have a girlfriend. But if anything can leave the ladies wanting a healthy slice of little old me then it's got to be this online documentation of the single geekiest thing I've ever done in my entire life. (This of course is excluding any midnight screenings of 'Phantom Of The Paradise' or that time I got an erection from Marina Sirtis.) 
* Whatever Viggo Mortensen says about me is a dirty lie

** 2010 is the year of discovery and as such this blog will be plagued with monthly pop-culture related science experiments that will in no way benefit mankind. I want my Ig Nobel damnit!

*** Oh right, This is an experiment that may be hazardous to some people so do not try this yourself. If you get hurt from doing it well it's your own problem because I freaking warned you! Safe gaming. 

Thursday, December 17, 2009

File Under: Outrageous! (Let's chat about sex, baby.)


     It's no lie that I've had relations with many beautiful women. I mean let us just put that down on the poker table for a lickity second. I have had lots of sexy, sexy-sex and I can tell you that I enjoy the fucking shit out of it! Also I'm
pretty sure my females are fond of it too. They always seem to fall bums-over-boobies for my charm and rock-hard abs and I don't want to blame them. Nor can I! I am one succulent piece of man-meat. I mean I am a real testosterone treat of Heston-al proportions and that's NOT just what my parents tell me. I tend to use my scorching sexuality to literally charm them out of their 7 jeans and Wicked Weasel sheer bikinis. (Neiman Marcus can suck it! Oh I bet he'd just love that.) 

     Everyone and their sexy grandma knows I'm a bonerfied twenty-five hour sex machine but sometimes I can't always charm and seduce 'on site' like I would prefer, ya' dig? There's nothing hotter than sidling up next to a pretty lady at a social function, firmly grasping the small of her trembling back, staring her down ruthlessly with my piercing soul and gently yelling in her face, "You smell of frankincense and corn-beef hash! And baby, them shits is getting me off!" At this point I'd try to whip out my petrified tree stump and place it in her hand. (Romance, yes!) And as much as they'd all love it, I can't physically enter all of my bottom bitches at once ... not until the surgery. (They can beg and plead all they want but that plane ticket to the 'North Korean Government Institute of Medicine and Tree Bark Consumption' isn't going buy itself. X-mas gift hint! *WINK*) 

     What follows is an ACTUAL interweb convo between the Grand Master-Orgazmer, (yours truly) and one of my latest sexy sexual conquests. BONUS POINTS: This particular vagina seems to be literate which is always a bonus because after we wet-hump she can co-sign on a used van loan for me. (My band needs to go on tour damnit! The Rusty Q-Tips must make Lollapalooza!)  

     Everyone at the high school is always asking me how I can bed so much fine tail while using so few "helper pills". It's simple, you need to captivate them. Make them feel special and romance the fucking crap out of them. Show them, (or in this case type to them) the romantic, daring man that she's been longing for and she'll show the sexy, mysterious, exotic woman that's deep inside her . Then if all goes well she'll show you her mysterious, exotic private parts where you can be inside! (Zinger.) 

Now, see how I use my master linguistics to leave her moist and wanting, (stolen joke). I hope you're all taking notes because this is how online seduction is done. And remember people, THIS WAS A REAL CONVERSATION!!!!

Karyn says: (10:26:11 PM)
i have no plans xmas day

Karyn says: (10:26:16 PM)
except me, xbox, 12 pack of beer

Karyn says: (10:26:22 PM)
and hopefully some bud

Jeff says: (10:26:29 PM)
i am there

Karyn says: (10:26:31 PM)
and im gonna drink and smoke my sorrows away

Jeff says: (10:26:31 PM)

Karyn says: (10:26:37 PM)
no you'll be with your family yo

Jeff  says: (10:26:42 PM)
not ALL day

Karyn says: (10:26:46 PM)

Karyn says: (10:26:50 PM)
then you can come over xmas day :)

Jeff says: (10:26:56 PM)
of course

Jeff says: (10:27:00 PM)
like i said

Karyn says: (10:27:02 PM)
i love you so much.

Jeff says: (10:27:02 PM)
best xmas ever

Karyn says: (10:27:05 PM)

Karyn says: (10:27:05 PM)
love you

Jeff says: (10:27:13 PM)
hahaha we need to get married

Jeff says: (10:27:17 PM)
then we can rule the world

Karyn says: (10:27:31 PM)
but you cant satisfy me in ways that a woman needs to be satisfied.

Karyn says: (10:27:32 PM)

Jeff says: (10:28:07 PM)
pfft whatever. You're just afriad of my raw power. haha.

Karyn says: (10:28:20 PM)
i sure am

Jeff says: (10:28:42 PM)
I named my balls Black and Decker. (seriously one of them is permanently black from frostbite.)

Jeff says: (10:29:11 PM)
it was featured in Scientific America

Jeff says: (10:29:24 PM)
2004, issue 11

Jeff says: (10:29:55 PM)
"December: Nature's Man-Neuterer" 

Jeff says: (10:31:15 PM)
It was in a center spread alongside a man who's scrotum was pierced by a polar bear's claw in Alaska and a boy who's penis was bitten off by a shopping mall Santa

Jeff says: (10:33:54 PM)
I remember it like it was yesterday

Jeff says: (10:34:05 PM)
That grey December morn

Jeff says: (10:34:28 PM)
Wendy ********* told me to rush over for sex and like a fool I believed her

Jeff says: (10:34:52 PM)
I had just hopped out of my homemade hot-tub when I received her telegram.

Karyn says: (10:35:40 PM)
you are ridiculous.  
Jeff says: (10:36:13 PM)
Telegrams take a very long time to come across the wire so naturally I was afraid if I took too long she may finish without me, (and she only wants to boff 3 times a year, max. When she gave birth to her two obnoxious babes it totally ruined her vaggg. It takes her a long time to get in the mood)

Jeff says: (10:36:46 PM)
So I made the decision to leave directly from my nude-tubbing therapy and run right over. I couldn't afford to miss another ovulation. 

Jeff says: (10:37:00 PM)
I ran and ran and ran, literally freezing my balls off

Jeff says: (10:37:09 PM)
and when I got there...

Jeff says: (10:37:14 PM)
I was too late.

Jeff says: (10:37:35 PM)
Big Ol' George answered the door wearing nothing but a loosely hanging robe

Jeff says: (10:37:54 PM)
He took one look at me and rushed my blue-balled ass (i know) inside

Jeff says: (10:38:39 PM)
He tried to smack his testes against mine to warm them, or at least bring the feeling back, (so he told me) but it was too late for little lefty.

Jeff says: (10:39:50 PM)
Wendy was satisfied for another financial quarter, George and I had bonded in ways I never thought we could, (they stuck together a few times like a child's tongue on a frozen tether-ball post) and my genitals were rendered frozen and useless.  

Jeff says: (10:40:09 PM)
But I couldn't give up

Karyn says: (10:40:15 PM)
Jeff says: (10:40:16 PM)
I had to get them working again

Karyn says: (10:40:21 PM)
can i post this on facebook and tag stephanie and pat?

Jeff says: (10:40:22 PM)
working together as a fucking TEAM

Karyn says: (10:40:22 PM)
srs ly

Jeff says: (10:40:29 PM)
like they were meant to

Karyn says: (10:40:32 PM)

Karyn says: (10:40:33 PM)

Jeff says: (10:40:33 PM)
righty-tighty was so lonely,

Jeff says: (10:41:05 PM)
I went through a strict nutritional and physical training regime.

Jeff says: (10:42:41 PM)
I would tie a large ankle weight to lefty with my now, dread-lock-like (i know) pubic mane. I would walk everywhere, two moderately paced steps forward and one excruciating fall backwards into an ocean of pain. All day every day. 

Jeff says: (10:43:25 PM)
I also trained my cat to stand on its hind legs and box with my ball like it was a little, black, pruney, speed-bag   

Jeff says: (10:44:38 PM)
I ate nothing but steel wool and strawberry churros for three years. Peeing was quite the ordeal as the wool always preferred to exit the hard way.  

Jeff says: (10:45:06 PM)
But now it's back, black and better than ever.

Jeff says: (10:45:14 PM)
I've formed a new bond with the cat

Jeff says: (10:45:38 PM)
and the steel wool trapped in my urethra has given me a perma-hard. 

Jeff says: (10:46:10 PM)
(I tape it down whenever we hang out so you don't go thinking you can actually arouse me or anything. I don't like to give false hope)

Jeff says: (10:46:28 PM)
So now I'm as great as I ever was

Jeff says: (10:47:48 PM)
two working balls, a steel-infused everlasting robot dick and a smooth black testicle that looks like a chunk of sapphire the size of an orange that's been cruising around in a rock tumbler for a few hundred tumble-cycles. 

Jeff says: (10:48:04 PM)
That's just me

Jeff says: (10:48:10 PM)
No more, no less

Jeff says: (10:48:17 PM)
Wendy better watch out come May

Jeff says: (10:48:35 PM)
'Cause Black, Decker and Everlasting Cock 3000 are waiting

Karyn says: (10:48:35 PM)
you are soooo awesome

Jeff says: (10:48:38 PM)
End scene 

Jeff says: (10:48:48 PM)
it's all true

Karyn says: (10:48:53 PM)
gonna get high with shane and micah

Jeff says: (10:48:59 PM)
yeah I'm hungry

Jeff says: (10:49:12 PM)
I think I'm going to publish this on my blog

Karyn says: (10:49:27 PM)
you should

Karyn says: (10:49:28 PM)
totally should

Karyn says: (10:49:30 PM)
gotta go

Karyn says: (10:49:32 PM)

Jeff says: (10:49:35 PM)
And I'm not going to fix and spelling mistakes

Jeff says: (10:49:37 PM)

Jeff says: (10:49:48 PM)
Oh no, here comes my cat

Jeff says: (10:49:53 PM)
he's got that look in his eye

Jeff says: (10:50:00 PM)

Monday, November 30, 2009

Memours from a State Prism.

Keep and eye out for the words: "Correspondence" and "Shit-heel".


Dear Jeffrey,

     These dreariful days go by like years on the inside. It's so hard trying to get by hour-by-hour knowing my mind is molting like hot bacon grease. Dripping away into a burnt-out pan that used to be my imagenation. For months the only thing keeping me going has been our corduroyspondence. These letters have kept my body and soul strong and for that I thank-you. But now I've got something else to look forward to! That's right friend, you guessed it. I've got a parade hearing scheduled for the end of the month and that means I'll get realized and finally get to see my special little girl! I've been going over and over in my mind exactly what I'm going to say and do to her when I first see her but I fear when the time comes I'll freeze up and just let my longing take over. It's her birthday soon. She'll be about 10 and a half when I get out and for the love of god I am not going to screw things up this time around.  I can assure you that I'm going to make sure the little bitch doesn't live to see her 11th year! She's going to pay.

     But enough about my troubles. How have you been? How did the big move go? Look at you, little guy in the big city! I was glad to get your letter the other day, it's been so long since you've written. I was about to start thinking you had forgotten me, but I know you're too good for that. I swear I'm not trying to butter you up but I need to ask a small favor. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind writing a letter of recommectadion on my behalf for the parole board? I know it seems like a lot vouchering for a guy you've never actually met but the 'Letters To Prisoners' programs are viewed as an important step in the reabilitation of big lugs like me and a good word from you would be really good for my case.

     That's about all I've got to report to you right now. The food still stinks here but overall rape is down which is good, (but with my amazing meat powers it never has been a problem for me). Warden Chalmers is still a complete shit-heel. Since I've been here he's had less need to eat his hats which is good news for him, I suppose. But as soon as I kill that little slut he's next. 

     Always nice to hear from you, buddy. Keep your fingers crossed that I get out! Maybe we can finally meat and hang out like I've talked about? Get up to some real trouble, eh?

Always and Forever,
'The Butcher'  


Dear Wordgirl,

     My name is Jeff Williams. I'm 25 years old and recent college grad. Recently I moved to the big city and in my search for something meaningful to do with my time I decided to participate in a correspondence program where I write letters to a pen-pal in a correctional facility. People have always told me it's a nice thing to do as it really helps these men and woman out and I've been enjoying my conversations with these people very much but the other day I received some pretty strong warning signs from one of these men and I'm afraid it involves you.

     If you recall not too long ago you foiled the plans of the notorious Butcher during his daylight robbery of Ye Olde Fancy Schmancy Jewelry Store. Well He's recently been approved for a parole hearing at the end of this month and it seems that he's determined to play the part of a rehabilitated man in order to be released and harm YOU! I know you're young and I don't mean to frighten you but I just think it's something you should be aware of. Perhaps you can talk to your friend the Warden and let him know of the Butcher's plans? 

Thanks a lot for your time and keep up the good work cleaning up this town!


Jeff Williams 

P.S. I've enclosed a copy of the Butcher's letter for your further examination and records. 




     What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously dude. If you're a 'pen-pal' (gay) to those kiddy-diddling monsters in jail and one of them writes that he intends to defraud the judicial parole system and commit further serious crimes then YOU have a responsibility to take the evidence to the appropriate authorities. Don't just come whining to me. I mean how stupid can you really be? I'm a busy girl, I've got other shit to deal with! Why today alone I had to stop and army of giant robots from destroying the financial district, my monkey/sidekick had the super-craps like you wouldn't believe and I had to sit beside a smelly Mexican on the bus! I don't have the time or patience to sit down and deal with your pathetic bullshit. Are you trying to piss me off or are you just looking for attention? I can have you arrested just for sending me this letter, you know. How would it look to the authorities that you're keeping up secret correspondence with a ten-year-old girl, hmmm? Maybe I should just contact Police Commissioner Watson about this? Do you know what they do to child molesters on the inside??? 

Deal with your own problems shit-heel! Don't write here again. 

Beck... I mean Wordgirl

P.S. Your overall grammar is worth shit and for a college grad your vocabulary is frankly, non-existent. I hope you can find gainful employment at a car-wash or crack-house.   

-Dictated but not read- 



Dear Sir/Madam;

My name is Jeff Williams  and I am writing this letter on behalf of my friend , The Butcher,(ID 396-21A). This letter is to ask that you vote positively to grant him parole when he appears before the Parole Board, on Nov 30th 2009.

I understand, and I will never forget, that The Butcher was sent to prison for committing crimes that will have lasting negative effects on the lives of many innocent people. I would never disrespect the seriousness of his behavior by offering an excuse to the board members. All I can say is that The Butcher  has worked very hard while he has been incarcerated to make himself a better person, deserving of another chance in society.

Should you decide to grant him parole, his family will be there to support, encourage and motivate him through a successful transition and progression into a positive member of society.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Jeff Williams



     Dear Butcher,

     Congratulations on your recent release. Feel free to look me up if you need anything. In the meantime.... you know what you have to do. 

Have fun out there. 



Will The Butcher finally find and destroy Becky B... I mean Wordgirl?

Will Jeff Williams ever improve his grammar and letter-writing abilities?? 

Is Captain Huggy-face trying to write a letter to PETA by smearing feces on a piece of paper??? 

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Uh-oh Kids! It Looks Like Rainbow Six Is Going To Las Vegas!

     "Rainbow is an international counter-terrorism operation hosted by NATO and funded by money funneled through the U.S. Department of the Interior." - Dr. You Don't Need To Know.
     As most of you know the job and life of a professional journalist is a lot of fun but sometimes it can get very hairy, even dangerous. Danger there my be but it all needs to be taken in stride for the common purpose of getting the big scoop! Completing the story, nailing the assignment and bringing the truth to the readers. However on the odd occasion the writer might find he doesn't know which direction the threat is really coming from. 

     In the summer of 2007 I was given, (what I thought at the time) a great opportunity to tag along with the illustrious Rainbow anti-terrorist team on one of their routine training missions. It was a simple hostage situation where a casino had been captured by a crack team of Mexican terrorists. Many were dead, the city was in panic and there was a bomb threat that had the potential to return Las Vegas back to the dessert from whence it sprang. But how could I care when I couldn't understand what the hell anyone was saying!

     The team had all these little phrases and sayings that they would yell all the time and it got me really confused. So killing and fire-fights and defusing bombs took a back seat to a story I found at the time to be much more relevant and interesting:

The Unnecessarily Frequent And Confusing Slang Of 
The Rainbow Six

     The first team member I interviewed was a young British man named Michael Walters. He was something of an expert in demolition or demo-tapes or something dreadfully uninteresting. I tried hard to listen to his story but these little catch-phrases were getting on my nerves. So I put my hand on his thigh and got right to the point. 

Ridiculous Rainbow Quote Alpha:  
"Anyone keeping score?" 

Tedious Anti-terrorist Translation: 

     I've managed to kill a lot of terrorists in the last little while. Has anyone been counting how many of them exactly because I need to know exactly how many times I get to have sex with my wife this evening. You see the other day before agreeing to go on this mission we came to an accord. For every sinner I bring back to God's good justice, she will allow me one pelvic thrust into her nether-region. I realize you're busy keeping alive and saving hostages and what-not but we haven't made love in over three months and I think Cindy might leave me. You can see how important this is to me. 

     Two terrorists brought down by the right-handed frag grenade of God equals only two pelvic thrusts and then she'll pretend to hear the phone ring or tell me the dog is looking at her funny. You gotta help me, fellas! I only blow up two terrorists and I'm only blowing the mood. If I can manage to bag thirteen or fourteen bad guys depending on how slow and deep I go that might be enough for me to uh ... finish up. And me finishing up has been a long time coming! (Get it?) 

     Heh, Heh, Walters, always the joker. However this next soldier I talked to appeared to have a few more things on his plate than he really seemed able to handle. But I would never tell him that to his face. He might beat me to death.

Ridiculous Rainbow Quote Beta:
"Fragged and Tagged."

Tedious Anti-terrorist Translation:

     It means I just blew another human being to bits with a little hand-held explosive and now to celebrate I'm going to say this cute little rhyme. In fact while sitting down to a nice steak dinner tonight I'm going to "accidently" say it in front of my family. I'll ask my wife, without looking me in the eyes to pass me the casserole and I'll yell,  "Yeah! Fragged and Tagged," while accepting the dish. 

     Then my faggot son will squeak, "What's that mean, Sir?" Of course I'll only tolerate this question if he's not looking me directly in the eyes. After slowly chewing my food and staring him down for approximately one hundred and twenty seconds I'll reply, 
     "Well Junior, that's what Daddy says when something good happens to him. Like when Daddy scores a touchdown at football, or when his beautiful sex-pot of a wife passes him some delicious broccoli casserole. It's also what I say after I blow a beaner terrorist half-way to Tijuana with a fuckin' grenade! Boom!"

     Hopefully by now my little girly son's crying isn't so loud that he, (pffft! More like she) can't hear the rest of my hilarious antic-dote. 
      "Your father also likes to yell this little saying at the dead Mexican's corpse a few dozen times, getting louder and louder while kicking the pile of bloody, anti-freedom flesh over and over until Daddy's partners have to pull him away. Fragged and Tagged!"

     That ought-to straighten my son out. Get him out there playing some more sports instead of taking all these girly math classes. Freaking gays and their fractions and multiplications. The only math my family needs is division. The division of those left-wing faggot nut-jobs from my clean, all-American family unit!  

     Officer Logan went on at length after this about proper family unit hierarchies and why it's important for no one but the President or your son's high school gym teacher to ever look you directly in the eyes. One might think that conducting this interview while in a moving helicopter would be very boring as the interviewer literally has to sit through the whole story and can't go anywhere but believe me, after about an hour and a half of this tree of a soldier readying my mind for the upcoming 'war on musical theatre'  unhitching myself and jumping to my death was seeming more and more like a logical option.   

     Running around, being shot at and trying to understand what these gigantic crazy men were even talking about was a little too much for me. I mean do you all realize how heavy a bullet-proof vest really is? They're massive! I took mine off after five minutes of being there, I didn't care.

     So retiring to the casino bar for a much deserved cappuccino I decided to let some other press hacks take over the interview. Of course they only wanted to talk about 'hostages' and 'death' and all those unpleasant things. I say let them have their little stories. Mine is much more interesting.