Monday, July 20, 2009

It's time. Nixon-off 2009! PART 1!

     Boom! 2009! The year it all came together. The W.H.O. ran out of animals to name the flu after, people started hating ethnics again and North Korea has been shaking it up more than ever. (It's amazing how a little tree bark and people-meat can angry up the blood but two square meals a day seems to have that affect with some people.) It all reminds me of a golden time back when a 'less than legal' war could be justified with it's cool soundtrack and two men holding hands was still very illegal. Bible law was actual law and a jolly old fat man delivered heaps of tidings upon the good little white, right-wing girls and boys who weren't gays or communists. Tricky Dicky Nixon! 

     This past fiscal year has seen not one but TWO films idolizing this god of modern political tomfoolery as well as countless television programs to titillate our desire for iron fisted right-wing gods who aren't complete idiots or meth addicts. This of course raises the greatest question that we as a people have ever had to face besides who to root for on Iron Chef; who is the better Nixon and why?

     Hard to choose just one, I know but when you really get down to brass balls the whole dilemma almost makes you forget that little hiccup in February when a black man got elected into the White House. So in that sense it's a worth while endeavor. (I know we're all counting the days until lone warrior Palin comes back with her unique brand of baked Alaskan vengeance!)

     Who's portrayal of America's funniest prez since that gimp who ran World War Deuce makes you all tingly inside? These are questions that we all ask ourselves when we're bored or drunk. Perhaps both. I should know, I'm wasted right now. Well after countless minutes of wondering it all comes down to this! It's just oh so very exciting.  So lets get to it!

Nixon #1
     He's much funnier. I laugh my ass off every time I see that flick. That and they really get down to the 100th percent of ugly he was as a man. Every scene makes me puke a little in my mouth but that throw-up tastes like sweet American history and moldy afternoon cocktails. (The only other thing that makes me expel booze out of my nose that hard is how laughable John Denver's albums used to be, which would make Dick proud I'm sure.) 

Ugly people can smell their own kind! 

     This is a scientific fact. At school, anime conventions, the Gemini awards or any of the few social occasions that drag us out of our parent's basements and into the horrible, horrible sun. We tend to feed off of the misery of other ugly people to make ourselves feel better, (then we go see a Jason Stathom movie and get blasted back to year zero). 

     This must be the reason why Ronnie Howard directed the flick cause he's a special brand of hideous. A boy who was cute as a button, sprouts into a man who is disgusting as velcro on a fat person, manages to get decent at making movies and somehow, (money) nails a hottie spawning two of the sexiest kids since the Magic School Bus gang turned eighteen and explored breast implants. (They took Frizzle's advise and got messy.)  

     Nixon was an ugly, ugly man and the only person who can really reach down and explore the person he was under his soggy folds of fatty, liver-spotted scales is another ugly man who has managed to crawl up from the cesspool to be rich and squint back at where he sludged out of. (It's like when you're a being born and you accidentally open your eyes too early and catch the horror glimpse at that greasy, hairy, smelly beast of a monster that's just heaving uncontrollably and spitting all over you. Tip: Never give birth in Greek town to save a buck or the midwife's haggard face will scar your baby for life. Thank god I was looking forward at Madam Souvlaki and not backward at my mother's vagina!)

     This is why Frost/Nixon's Nixon was so good because for once I managed to feel bad for Quasimodo rather than huck radishes and dead fish at him. I actually felt sympathy for this lonely, lonely man and I hope you did as well. He didn't commit all those 'misunderstandings', (I won't say crimes) because he was an ignorant, conservative weirdo. It was because he couldn't get laid at da club! 

     I hope you all take a good long look at who you will or won't sleep with at a bar and realize that those you snub, could grow up to do 'regrettable', (I won't say monstrous) things in their political careers and then have movies made about them.  

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