Tuesday, January 12, 2010

12 Full Hours ... Ugh.

     That's it! 12 full hours of a game I'll never play again because I've spent way too much time with it. 

    N.A.S.A. and Issac Hayes is all I'm going to says. That track is the freaking bomb. The last two levels are stupid and full of crazy-long club anthems. They all melt together and it goes on FOREVER and they are really hard. That's as eloquently as I can put it. 

    My back really hurts as do my wrists and my dignity. I am never doing this kind of thing ever again. I will leave that to fat people. I recommend for anyone with a day off and a lot of video games to READ A BOOK!

6PM = Hour #10

     This has to be some kind of record outside of Asia or suburbia I'm telling ya. I may just beat this drum after all! Forget going past medium right now though, them shits is hard. Also, I feel as though my spelling and grammar might be starting to slip, (more-so than usual).

     The physical and mental pain seems to be bearable now but I can't help but feel my jowls slowly growing as I haven't been outside all day. Ugh. Let's just say after this and the new Kids In The Hall I am going for a jog. Or maybe just stretch on the front lawn. Either way. 

     The mash-ups are still very impressive and even though Rihanna's 'Disturbia' is used in what seems like every other song, each time it's different, fresh and still fun to play. That goes for a lot of tunes. The end now looks in sight but believe you me if I had the extra cash I'd be hopping over the Playstation network and grabbing some freaking new tracks!

     I feel like this game could be a lot of fun with a lot of people under two conditions:
1. They were all very drunk,
2. The person playing would have to be really, really good, (Mistakes = crappy sound)  
3. Also it would be nice if Rihanna could be there in person. 


Uggggggggh. I'm tired and letting pat play. He sucks. 

4PM - Medical Side Effects

     I can't help but think that as the hours drift by with such ease that I could be doing something more productive with my time. But if I wasn't enjoying this fine video gamed entertainment program, then what about all the hard, productive work of the people that made it? Surely it took more than 12 tiny hours for the designers and programmers and animators to weave this masterwork together. What about the multitudes of artists and musicians who contributed their toil and talent with sweet tracks and oh so many funky-fresh mixes?

     I think of all these things then I'm quickly and painfully reminded of the stiffness my hand joints are starting to feel at the mercy of this urban opera of the video game. Sure it's not the BEST game I've ever played, but it's up there. (Donkey Kong can keep his bananas because right now I don't want any of that nonsense.) 

     As of right now the game is starting to take a physical toll. Other than my joints, I've got major Swimmer's Eye, a visual phenomenon where looking at anything in the room other than a 'Hero' or 'DDR' type game gives these things the illusion that they are floating and melting apart and together. It's kind of nauseating. And my hand-eye coordination is starting to suffer. I find when I make mistakes in the game they last over more notes. The fumble just gets bigger and bigger.

     But I'm sticking with it! For Science! And lazy afternoons everywhere!

3PM - Woooosh

     So all the things one would expect to happen after hours of gaming are. Mild headache, eyes bugging out and my left wrist is starting to stiffen up. But you know, it never was a strong as the right one. Maybe that's DJ Hero's plan after all. To balance out the arm size in nerds once and for all... if you catch my meaning. (Because we masturbate a lot.) 

     Also one thing that's kind of surprising me is that some of the songs actually sound like crap. I can't name names right now but just listening to some of them they sound a little like trash. I mean I can tolerate some rotten tracks because I'm playing the game and everything, but I feel bad for anyone that has to sit there and hear them. 

     But I'm dedicated and about half way thorough I think. So lets keep this gravy train a rollin'!

2PM - 2 In The Afternoon

All I can say is Jay-Z is awesome!


P.S. I'm starting to get tired. 

1PM - Let's Talk A Little About Music.

     The '12 Hours of DJ Hero' experiment continues and I swear I'll try and think of a better name for it. For now lets look at the awesome tracks we've got to muck around with. 

My fav tracks thus far to play. 

1. "The Big Beat" by Billy Squire & "Lapdance" by N.E.R.D.

     The first track I played with the guitar option I didn't even know about! Such a cool feature for all you string jockeys who trained for countless hours on Guitar Hero and aren't ready to throw in the towel yet. Very slick shit, yo. This one's a winner. 

2. "Boom" & "Tap" both by Grandmaster Flash. 
     Arguably the father of all hip-hop DJ-ing, mixing and scratching his contribution doesn't disappoint.  This track is a real endurance race but well worth it! I mean my god that dude can blend. Truly one of the gems of the game, (until the Playstation network starts selling MY tracks online. Fascists.) 

3. "Disco Inferno" by 50 Cent & "Let's Dance' by Bowie
     An unlikely duo of a young hot shot and a tried and true favorite, much like Lethal Weapon. And just like Lethal Weapon this track is exciting, unexpected and so much fun to play. (You can play Lethal Weapon, sure. In a DVD player. I've got a very smug look on my face right now.) 

WARNING: These tracks will also make you want to dance hard, drink a lot, and have messy sex with the first woman you see. If you attempt any of these the tunes will most likely stop as you will have stopped playing. So try and get a spotter to play for you while you drink, dance and fawn over ladies. 

WARNING: Make sure the person who's spotting you isn't someone you will want to have sex with, as the music will stop when you start to do it. 

     I feel like I've only scratched the surface of the musical mash-up juggernauts that are still locked away in this game but so help me, I'm going to play them all. I'm going to play them all or die trying. Laughing and trying. 

12pm - Muncho Luncho

     Well hello there. I didn't see you come in. 

     It's starting to get a little tiresome. I think it just needs to be louder. Also I wish I had a bigger Television. And since we've got the xmas list out and about I wish all these walls weren't so bloody white. I feel like I'l not going to make due to impending insanity. 

     You know when you go to the zoo and you see two monkeys with their tales tied together and each one is running away from the other but not getting anywhere and all you can do is yell, "You stupid monkeys! Why can't you feel a tugging on your bum?!" (This happens a lot when I go to the zoo.) Well I feel a bit like both monkeys right now. Both monkeys and the cruel zookeeper who tied them together in the first place.

Better keep plugging along I suppose. It's still fun and is slowly getting harder, which is good. 

11AM - The Stats:

Here we go! 
3 hours
Medium Setting
2 training sets
3 real sets
50 stars
0 girlfriend
1/2 a bag of noodles
2 broken eyes.

     And to think my parents told me I'd never amount to anything. Well it's a weekday and while they're toiling at work I'm diving hard into video games and practically swimming in penne and hot sauce. It's the public pool of awesome, (but this time a chubby kid hasn't broken the diving board). 

     But for reals my eyes aren't bugging out that much. Besides I'm planning on getting the lazer eye hooey done in the next year so I'm not worried. Might as well mess the old girls up before I get them replaced, right? They can just replace them with like, baboon eyes or the eyes of a convict right? It's 2010 we've hit Minority Report tech right? Why do all the Gap ads at the mall yell at me whenever I walk by them? I need to stop drinking shampoo so much and get me some new criminal eyes! Then I'll see all of his horrible past deeds. Or I get the monkey eyes and I'll be dreaming in Planet Earth episodes which would be just as awesome. Too bad in my dreams I see both ... crimes against nature. (Cock-fighting, Bears wearing dresses and balancing on giant rubber balls, The poor bald children of Cuba who have to supply Donald Trump with his hair .... It gives me a shutter just thinking about it.

Time to drown out my demons with funk! Back to DJ Hero!
... maybe I'll drown them with a little more Pert Plus. Just a little.

10AM - The Struggle Continues...

Ho-ly shit! 

     This game is so much fun! I had no idea! I was a little slow getting up to snuff in the training but once you get into the mixes my god, it's amazing. And this is just at ten on a Tuesday morning. How awesome would this be at ten on a saturday night?!?! When I'm even more drunk than I am now! (Honestly the only thing that gets me up this early is a pint of vodka and the sight of the neighbor-ladies jogging by.) 

     The turntable isn't the easiest thing to use and can sometimes get away from you, (and right now my effects knob doesn't want to work) but like guitar hero it's not THAT hard to learn and after a little bit of practice it shouldn't be too hard to master. I also REALLY like the little-to-no wait time between tracks. That is the bomb! 

      But look at me I'm gushing here and in the interest of science I need to try and stay objective. Objective, Objective, Objective! I mean how will my wrists hold up after say, hour 10? Will the game lose it's luster by then? Will I ever hear too much Queen and Daft Punk? We'll see, scientific community ... we'll see...

     Thank god there are no windows down here to distract me. For now I'm just going to keep playing! 


     Admittedly, I've been slacking a bit in this first hour, I mean it's the morning! Cut me a break here, bub! I'm still in the training trying to fandangle these controls but it's starting to come along. 

     Installation was a breeze, it almost seemed like the game was already installed on my system. (It may have been, I dunno) and in usual 'Hero' game fashion the opening video is the sickest thing I've seen all week! 

     The training is also a lot of fun and it's surprising how quickly regular people can pick it up. Not me though, I'm young, dumb and all thumbs.  

But this first hour has gone by so fast I'm gonna get back to the game. So far it's wicked-fun! 

8 AM

     Adhering to my sterling physical fitness regime, like any modern day strong man, (The Rock, Popeye, Al Gore, Nas, Rosie O'Donnell) I begin my daily routine promptly at 7:30 Am with no less than 15 minutes in the poop closet where it's my duty to see how everyone in Riverdale is doing. 

     (I read Archie, I didn't name my toilet Riverdale. Coincidentally when I come upon an unusually stubborn piece of morning excrement it's not uncommon to hear me remark, "Oh Moose. You're never going to catch Reggie if you can't lose some weight" bellowing from the poop closet. Then it's time for the roommate's potato masher.)

     After that it's time to carb the hell up with as much cold pasta as I can shove in my mouth, (To ensure Riverdale doesn't get lonely later on) and proceed to install DJ Hero on my Playstation 3! 

     Stay tuned for when 9am rolls around and I'll give my official report on how well installation and start-up is! 

Monday, January 11, 2010

Science In The Now: January Experiment!

12 Hours Of D.J. Hero

Tuesday January 12th 2010. 

     This shall be a red letter day in scientific history. The attractive new decade is upon us, pulling up our preverbal driveway while the old, gangly and ultimately un-loved 'Two-Thousands" thankfully sneaks it's sorry out-dated ass out of the back bedroom window and into the mist of our memories. (Half-naked, cold and feeling more sexually rejected than ever the previous decade can just suck it and leave because we've all had enough!)

     2010 marks a sexy new age of discovery and innovation for the human race and optimism for where future technology and progressive thought can bring us and our environment. Being the acclaimed media outlet beloved by millions that I know this is, I'm going to get this party started off right! With a video game marathon! (But it's for science, I swear!) 

The Experiment:

     The long-awaited DJ Hero was finally released internationally at the end of October 2009 and we all want to know if it's up to snuff. Everyone is familiar with the gaming juggernaut Guitar Hero and it's revolutionizing of the way we learn how to play rock and roll music but can DJ Hero keep this nerdiest of torches burning bright? Is this new foray into modern musical gaming going to captivate audiences as much as the beloved Guitar Hero series?

     Granted, the hard nerds have most likely already played the living crap out of it by now but what about the rest of us who have lives and jobs and bills and celebrity kidnappings* to deal with? I'm not in college anymore. I don't have student loan money to burn on expensive plastic turntables and I'm sure a lot of other people out there feel the same way. So is it really worth it? Have no fear because the January 2010 experiment is going to figure this out**.

Questions are going to be answered!

Is it worth the approximately one-hundred and twenty dollar price tag?
How long does it take to actually master the controls compared to Guitar Hero?
Is it even fun when you don't have the controls mastered? 
Will I get a seizure from playing it**?
Will any of my scientific partners get seizures from watching it?
Will skill with DJ Hero help me pick up the ladies? 

These and more as I start at 8am and continue with regular hourly updates until 8pm. Here and on twitter!  twitter.com/jeffpwilliams     

     This is for science! This is for discovery! Mostly it's because I have a day off and I don't have a girlfriend. But if anything can leave the ladies wanting a healthy slice of little old me then it's got to be this online documentation of the single geekiest thing I've ever done in my entire life. (This of course is excluding any midnight screenings of 'Phantom Of The Paradise' or that time I got an erection from Marina Sirtis.) 
* Whatever Viggo Mortensen says about me is a dirty lie

** 2010 is the year of discovery and as such this blog will be plagued with monthly pop-culture related science experiments that will in no way benefit mankind. I want my Ig Nobel damnit!

*** Oh right, This is an experiment that may be hazardous to some people so do not try this yourself. If you get hurt from doing it well it's your own problem because I freaking warned you! Safe gaming.