Tuesday, July 14, 2009

THE LIST: Top 5ive Movies to sex to that aren't porn!

    Ever struck a dog? Peed on a bus? Flaunted your mortgage payment statement in front of a homeless dude just for giggles? There are always certain things we've done in our lives that we regret and all I hope is that just one person reading this can learn from my mistakes. I'm going to share something very personal right now so prepare to be blown away. It's about sex. Ready? Here goes. Are you sure you're ready? You had better be 'cause this is just disgusting. 

     Like ripping off a band-aid I'm just going to say it. It may sting at first but in time I'll have to accept that it was the right thing to do for everyone. And for the record this story of my awkward/horn-dog, teenage years in NO WAY represents who I am today or my now fantastic positioning and superb lovin' technique. 

     I find that many teenager's first sexual experiences happen at parties in the presence of what at the time seems like copious amounts of the devil's brew. Booze. You've just slammed three whole jazzberry coolers and tried your first hit of an oregano pinner and you're feeling real loose. Shitty pop music and a night of acting crazy in your friend's, parent's rumpus room has got you and your buddies all tuckered out. I mean it's 1:30 in the morning who wouldn't be tired, right? You settle down on the couch or whatever with that special girl you've been eye humping all night and have been in turn, eye humped. Feels pretty good doesn't it? I'll bet it does.

     Time to pop on a movie and slip into that most wonderful drunken coma. Perhaps. Or perhaps not. Hormones often make a sane man crazy and in this case, like so many other tales of adolescent stupidity, crazy is a grand understatement for what we did. 'Crazy' in this context might imply something 'fun' or 'whimsical'. What we did was just sick, on so many levels. 

Sorry about the stalling but first we need the...

     DEVIANT DISCLAIMER: People on the internet are generally and have always been perverts so I hate to dash anyone's greasy hopes but despite the apparent flare and veiled eroticism of the last couple of paragraphs this isn't some sort of underage smut-fiction article so I'm not going to go into the nitty or the gritty of what exactly happened. Sorry 50-year-old bald man from the movie 8mm who lives with his mother and wears a black rubber mask whenever CBC Kids comes on, but you had better just turn around now and head back to whatever freaky-deeky 'Love In The Time of Underaged Kids' chat forum you came from cause that's not how this story is going to go down. No apologies. No regrets. 

     What I can tell you in all my shame is that one of my first sexual experiences happened at a party, on a sofa while watching the hilarious though sexually disgusting film, 'Waiting For Guffman.' Just imagine that for a second, regardless of age. Two star-crossed lovers destined to be with each other finally get some liquor-inspired alone time and express their longing through the holiest of physical acts all the while having Eugene Levy's wrinkly leather handbag of a face staring back at them cracking jokes about foot-stools and whatever the hell else that movie is about. (Theatre?) It's a terrible memory that no one should ever have to go through themselves. Look at the cast of that movie and try not to vomit, I dare you. (Parker Posey is fine and dandy like sour candy but in no way can she make up for the rest of that film's horrible looking brood.)

     Thus the list! There are films out there that are great to bang to! Honest! I'm putting this out there so my story NEVER has to happen to anyone ever again. So here it is. JRBT's top 5ive flicks that are great to watch while doing the mess-around! (That aren't porno's cause that's just too obvious.) 

                    #5: (For the Gentlemen)                          
Tremors - 1990
"Watch it Valentine, that thing's got a good six foot reach!" 
Well watch out for my six-inch breach! (yeah.)

     The Slippery Why: Because for some reason the ladies loooove 80's Kevin Bacon in his tight jeans and carefree attitude. (And Remo Williams was quite the catch back then too.) Couple that with the fact that two lead females, (ugh if you can even call them that) are hideous land-beasts and therefore non-threatening to your lady, well you're go-no-go for launch, friend! 

     The Slimy How: It's a feature-length movie about giant, sweaty, veiny worms! Do I really need to spell it out? If she isn't all riled up by the end of the first act just blow in her ear and softly whisper, "Mamma wanna see my grab-oid?" That ought to work. 

  #4: (For the Woman)         
Vicky Cristina Barcelona - 2008
"I'll go to your room, but you'll have to seduce me."
Ho-ly shit. 

     The Big Why: Sometimes, not often but sometimes it's the woman doing the timeless dance of seduction. I know it sounds crazy, all a girl really needs to do to get sex is say something like "Do me now." But this flick is more like a test. A test of whether or not you want some grimy punk invading your uh, personal space. So, If he's heard of it, he's a keeper and you're good to go. If he hasn't heard of it and still wants to watch it with you, he's a keeper and you're good to go. If he's only heard about it for the wrong reasons, (Scarlett and Penelope make out?! Fuckin' sweet!) or he would rather make you watch '2 Fast 2 Furious' then just shut it down. 

     The Sweet How: Well you don't really need me to tell you 'how' to make your move, just remember that if you pork during this movie it will be some of the classiest love-making of both your lives. It'll be like you're actually fucking in Barcelona. Not to mention it's already a very sexually charged film. And hey, if he can't last the whole thing no worries. Just enjoy it's charm and when Scarlett and Penelope do start to make out in the last half hour, he'll be good to go again.  

 #3 (For those delightful homosexual males) 
4 Fast 4 Furious 
or whatever the fuck it's called 
- 2009 
"I admire the body regardless of the make." 
Oh, I'll bet you do, Vin.

     The Throbbing Why: That movie is so chock full of man-on-man sexual tension that even if you don't want to slam to it, it would still be pretty hilarious to watch the not-so-hidden homo-eroticism. I mean why aren't Vin Diesel and Paul Walker making out after the first ten minutes?! Their huge engines, pulsing stick shifts. Let the games begin.

     The Macho How: You do whatever you need to do to be happy, but stay away from any church group. They're already confused enough as it is.

               #2 (Gay Woman Everywhere!)           
           Sick Girl - 2006
"It's either babes or bugs. You can't have both."
What if I find giant killer insects sexy?

     The Tender Why: An hour long horror masterwork that's just one big allegory for society's general misunderstanding and fear of lesbians. It's super funny, super gory, super well written and there is some super sweet lady-on-lady action. It's by far the shortest of the recommendations, clocking in at about an hour, but you can just toss it on right afterwards and it's still just as entertaining. Oh and Angela Bettis is wicked sexy in a very nerdy kind of way!

The Glorious How: Watch once to allow for either stimulating conversations or stimulating vaginas. Repeat as needed and PLEASE call me in the morning, I'd love to hear about it.

              #1: (For Everyone To Enjoy!)                        
Speed - 1994
"Pop quiz hot shot! We're about to have messy sex. What do you do? What do you do?"
Just don't pop your quiz in my hair. Please it would mean a lot.

     The Why: Everyone in that movie is sexy. Sandra Bullock is hot. Keanu Reeves is hot. Joe Morton is hot. Even Jeff Daniels is tolerable. But the real reason it's numero uno is that everyone, I mean everyone loves to sex it up during Speed for that killer theme music! Imagine two sweaty hours of straight-up pounding away to that score?! It would be ridiculous, you'd both feel like a couple of sex super-heroes! 

Just try, TRY and listen to this without getting turned on. I freaking dare you! no dice? How about this? Yeah. That's the spot.

     The How: Every time they say a wicked line you change positions. "There's enough C-4 here to put a hole in the world!"  During the entire time with the bus you double your bang pace. Like really go at it! Every time the movie makes you cry inject more passion and when someone you love dies, you look your partner in the eyes and tell them you can't live without them. Speed will rock your world!

     So if you're planning a romantic night in with that special someone or some-ones don't be shamed into an oversized rain coat and adult film emporium. All you really need is right there at Blockbuster!


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