Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Uh-oh Kids! It Looks Like Rainbow Six Is Going To Las Vegas!

     "Rainbow is an international counter-terrorism operation hosted by NATO and funded by money funneled through the U.S. Department of the Interior." - Dr. You Don't Need To Know.
     As most of you know the job and life of a professional journalist is a lot of fun but sometimes it can get very hairy, even dangerous. Danger there my be but it all needs to be taken in stride for the common purpose of getting the big scoop! Completing the story, nailing the assignment and bringing the truth to the readers. However on the odd occasion the writer might find he doesn't know which direction the threat is really coming from. 

     In the summer of 2007 I was given, (what I thought at the time) a great opportunity to tag along with the illustrious Rainbow anti-terrorist team on one of their routine training missions. It was a simple hostage situation where a casino had been captured by a crack team of Mexican terrorists. Many were dead, the city was in panic and there was a bomb threat that had the potential to return Las Vegas back to the dessert from whence it sprang. But how could I care when I couldn't understand what the hell anyone was saying!

     The team had all these little phrases and sayings that they would yell all the time and it got me really confused. So killing and fire-fights and defusing bombs took a back seat to a story I found at the time to be much more relevant and interesting:

The Unnecessarily Frequent And Confusing Slang Of 
The Rainbow Six

     The first team member I interviewed was a young British man named Michael Walters. He was something of an expert in demolition or demo-tapes or something dreadfully uninteresting. I tried hard to listen to his story but these little catch-phrases were getting on my nerves. So I put my hand on his thigh and got right to the point. 

Ridiculous Rainbow Quote Alpha:  
"Anyone keeping score?" 

Tedious Anti-terrorist Translation: 

     I've managed to kill a lot of terrorists in the last little while. Has anyone been counting how many of them exactly because I need to know exactly how many times I get to have sex with my wife this evening. You see the other day before agreeing to go on this mission we came to an accord. For every sinner I bring back to God's good justice, she will allow me one pelvic thrust into her nether-region. I realize you're busy keeping alive and saving hostages and what-not but we haven't made love in over three months and I think Cindy might leave me. You can see how important this is to me. 

     Two terrorists brought down by the right-handed frag grenade of God equals only two pelvic thrusts and then she'll pretend to hear the phone ring or tell me the dog is looking at her funny. You gotta help me, fellas! I only blow up two terrorists and I'm only blowing the mood. If I can manage to bag thirteen or fourteen bad guys depending on how slow and deep I go that might be enough for me to uh ... finish up. And me finishing up has been a long time coming! (Get it?) 

     Heh, Heh, Walters, always the joker. However this next soldier I talked to appeared to have a few more things on his plate than he really seemed able to handle. But I would never tell him that to his face. He might beat me to death.

Ridiculous Rainbow Quote Beta:
"Fragged and Tagged."

Tedious Anti-terrorist Translation:

     It means I just blew another human being to bits with a little hand-held explosive and now to celebrate I'm going to say this cute little rhyme. In fact while sitting down to a nice steak dinner tonight I'm going to "accidently" say it in front of my family. I'll ask my wife, without looking me in the eyes to pass me the casserole and I'll yell,  "Yeah! Fragged and Tagged," while accepting the dish. 

     Then my faggot son will squeak, "What's that mean, Sir?" Of course I'll only tolerate this question if he's not looking me directly in the eyes. After slowly chewing my food and staring him down for approximately one hundred and twenty seconds I'll reply, 
     "Well Junior, that's what Daddy says when something good happens to him. Like when Daddy scores a touchdown at football, or when his beautiful sex-pot of a wife passes him some delicious broccoli casserole. It's also what I say after I blow a beaner terrorist half-way to Tijuana with a fuckin' grenade! Boom!"

     Hopefully by now my little girly son's crying isn't so loud that he, (pffft! More like she) can't hear the rest of my hilarious antic-dote. 
      "Your father also likes to yell this little saying at the dead Mexican's corpse a few dozen times, getting louder and louder while kicking the pile of bloody, anti-freedom flesh over and over until Daddy's partners have to pull him away. Fragged and Tagged!"

     That ought-to straighten my son out. Get him out there playing some more sports instead of taking all these girly math classes. Freaking gays and their fractions and multiplications. The only math my family needs is division. The division of those left-wing faggot nut-jobs from my clean, all-American family unit!  

     Officer Logan went on at length after this about proper family unit hierarchies and why it's important for no one but the President or your son's high school gym teacher to ever look you directly in the eyes. One might think that conducting this interview while in a moving helicopter would be very boring as the interviewer literally has to sit through the whole story and can't go anywhere but believe me, after about an hour and a half of this tree of a soldier readying my mind for the upcoming 'war on musical theatre'  unhitching myself and jumping to my death was seeming more and more like a logical option.   

     Running around, being shot at and trying to understand what these gigantic crazy men were even talking about was a little too much for me. I mean do you all realize how heavy a bullet-proof vest really is? They're massive! I took mine off after five minutes of being there, I didn't care.

     So retiring to the casino bar for a much deserved cappuccino I decided to let some other press hacks take over the interview. Of course they only wanted to talk about 'hostages' and 'death' and all those unpleasant things. I say let them have their little stories. Mine is much more interesting. 

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