Sunday, August 23, 2009

Animal Treachery: The Danger-Killer Saga

     "What the shit do you want, Lawrence?" 
That little punk dared to talk to me with that tone? I was through with taking his grade F bologna. Today was my day.  
        "My name isn't Lawrence anymore you jerk. It's J.P. Danger-Killer and I'm here to kick your ass unless you give me what I want!" I clenched my chubby fists so he knew I meant business but with his gang at his side little Jacob wasn't fazed. I knew I should have worn my jeans with the fashionable rips. That would have scared the hell out of all of them.
     "Do you know what hood you're in, homie," That smug bastard chirped as he popped his collar higher than ever. Jacob was the eyes and ears of this particular stretch of turf and he wasn't above flaunting it. 
     It's a defense mechanism in the animal kingdom to expand one's body in order to seem intimidating and this pint-sized wonder was doing an incredible job. But I was in no kingdom. I was in the hood. On the street with some real bad mothers. I was ready and willing to wet myself in fear right in that bakery parking lot but damnit, I had a mission to fulfill and a beej to receive for completing it! 
     He barked again, "This is Juniper Woods Elementary turf, esse! You can't just go wandering around here without expecting me to come down on your white ass, can you?!"
     Sure they were also white and only about eight years old but when there's over FIVE of them grinding their teeth, waiting to strike at the drop of a bubble-gum wrapper you don't just throw your weight around. They could explode at any minute and then you'd be dead. I knew these things had to be done delicately and with finesse.
     "Tell me what you know about the pregger that lives on Kodiak Lane or I'll kick your fucking face in Jacob!" I was on a natural high. Screaming, I grabbed his collar and shook him like a rag doll, "I don't see your older brother isn't around today to stop me now tell me what I want to know damnit!" 
     As tough as Jacob was in these parts I had momentarily forgotten about his condition. My explosion of child-shaking rage seemed to work to my advantage. His 'loyal' gang was off and running as soon as they saw the blood drip from Jacob's ears. God bless the man who invented cholesteatoma as it works great to frighten and confuse people after a simple tossing around. 

     "Tell me what I want to know or I'll pour your fun dip all over your eyes! Then I'll eat all of it!"
     Amidst the crying I discerned, "Alright, alright I'll talk I'll talk!" I had my window. Time to hussle my buns through it before the bakery staff wised up to what was going on outside. 
     "The preggs moo-cow on Kodiak Lane! Who is she," I screamed. 
     "Marcy from fifth period french it's her aunt!" 
     "Does she give good blowies?!"
     "What?!" Jacob sobbed, "I don't even know what that means!"
     "Can she pleasure a man?!"
     In hysterics Jacob answered, "But you're not a man, you're fourteen!"
     "JACOB," I snapped.
     "I-I think so, yeah sure whatever!"
     Boom in the fucking room. I was in. With that pregnant moo-cow's credit now approved in my books I was ready to stroll down to Kodiak Lane and rescue her defenseless animal thereby receiving my first ever sexual experience that didn't involve the movie 'Wild Things' and one of my little sister's training bras.

     But all wasn't what I had hoped for at 666 Kodiak Lane. There was treachery afoot. Animal treachery and little did I know I was headed straight for a trap of the most sinister kind; a trap against me. 
     I wiped my furiously running nose on little Jacob's shirt and dropped him. It was time to leave before the police arrived. 'The Man' never did understand my working habits. 

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