Thursday, August 13, 2009

G.I. No! Real American Zeros! The Rise Of Shit!

     I hope that title wasn't too subtle. All the reviewers have been saying, "...oh it's just stupid fun..." or, "... great action scenes, what else do you want..." and then there's, "...what are you a king? Don't be a snob it's popcorn!..." So yeah I went to see it ... by myself. That's right, it seems that all my thousands of friends are actually smarter than me and I never realized it. who knew? It never came to me that I am the thickest one out of ALL of them because I actually wanted to watch a 150 million dollar compost heap. 

     After an hour that felt like a week of terrible dialogue, over-the-top special effects, endless bubble-gum plugs, (really) thousands of the craziest military gadgets ever assembled in a movie, (makes James Bond look like an old Jewish man playing chess in a park) and oh so many abs, I had to get out of there. So many abs. So I decided to do what any self respecting person should do after throwing up. I washed out. 

     I immediately went to the local DVD kiosk and I purchased Total Recall. Let me tell you, I watched the shit out of that thing! When it was over there was still a lingering memory of Wayons Brother #3 cracking jokes about the differences between white people and black people and I almost had to watch it twice. Ugh, the audience was digging that movie way too much. I'm not even going to waste any time writing anymore about a movie I couldn't finish after paying a solid ten-spot to see. 

     Let's just leave it at this, next time you consider seeing anything with Channing Tatum starring in it, remember that you only have a limited time on this planet to enjoy things. Do you really want to spend two solid hours watching that dirt bag try to act? Go outside, kiss a baby, do push-ups for god's sake! New rule. Every time you see Channing Tatum being paid to act tell that special someone you love them. Because you never know what tomorrow will bring. Hopefully not G.I. Joe 2, but I don't think we'll be that lucky. 

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