Monday, August 31, 2009

The List! Top 5ive reason to hate life!

     This is the end folks. This is the end of all things good and holy in the universe of nerd. Announced TODAY, sure to be a red letter day in history, Monday Aug 31st 2009, DISNEY TO BUY MARVEL IN A SHARES AND CASH DEAL WORTH APPROX $4BN! 

     This means the most "wholesome" multi-national entertainment corporation since the Catholic Church will now have all rights, creative and alike to over 5000, (count it bitch) Marvel characters including Spider-Man, The X-Men and Iron Man. 

     I have a feeling that Marvel characters won't be allowed to wear high heels or have their ears pierced anymore. Sorry Luke Cage. (We all know why they call him Black Raspberry Thunder in certain circles. Looks like Saturday nights just won't be the same in Chelsea.)

     But this isn't all bad like some people might automatically assume. Sure my first instinct was to throw up in my mouth then go out and buy 2000 issues of The Punisher before he becomes The Forgiver, (or whatever) but this could prove to be more entertaining for cynical youth like myself than ever! Are youth today still cynical or has Disney ruined that too? 

     Marvel Comics was founded in 1934, (as "Timely Comics" back in the day) and Disney was founded in 1923 (as "National Socialist German Workers Party" I think) so they both have a long running history in North American and somewhat European pop culture. Of course we all know that neither will be as popular in Europe as that lovable cartoon guitar-playing ladybug thing known as 'Ferdy' but for the purposes of this little article let's just suppose, shall we? 

     These two juggernauts have been drinking the same malt from different straws for so long it will be interesting to see what will transpire when they start getting mono from this new shared red and white striped plastic tube known as 'Darvel Comics and Theme Park' or 'Walt Spiderman Films' or whatever. Will things stay the same within the thousands of beloved worlds and characters from both creative sources or will there be changes? Will the influence of one company and it's millions of fans overpower and thus alter the characters and worlds of another? Will they finally thaw out Old Walt so he can do a film cameo instead of Stan Lee? Only time can tell I suppose but until then let's just make-believe some wacky Marvel-Disney cross-overs!

This is THE LIST! 


The Jonas Brothers Concert Experience 3-D featuring The Punisher. 
     This one is pretty self explanatory and it's what all the 35-year-old comic nerds who live with their parents and could never get laid are hoping for. 

     Three pre-teen fake rock stars explode on the youth scene with crappy tunes and no musical ability save knowing sort of what a microphone is and which way it should face, (already more than we expected) and already a legion of little girls want to do what they think is the nasty with the Jonas boys. They can wear all the promise rings they want, they're still getting married as soon as they legally can so they can indulge in this great rock-star perk despite how young the girls are. 

     This must really piss the nerds off. "I looked just like that when I was his age! I also couldn't sing and dressed like a gay man's loft apartment* but I never had girls screaming and trying to lock down my bits. This sucks."**

     Do you remember that old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live stage show on video casette where four alcoholics in turtle suits dance around on stage pretending to play guitar while thousands of little kids scream and go crazy and want to be their friends? Imagine that but with slightly more ugly performers, a lot less karate and instead of The Shredder busting on stage to steal their pizza in a flurry of polite "boo's" a fully armed Punisher kicks in a door and murders the Jonas boys while the audience doesn't quite know what is going on. Be it real or staged THAT would sell! Also the 3-D would look really cool when Punisher 'promises to ring' their necks while winking to the camera.   

* Not all Gay men are stereotypes but we love the ones that are because if we didn't then we wouldn't have all those amazing decorating shows. 

**Typing this with quotations implies the figurative nerd is actually saying this but in fact he's saying it to the only person he ever talks to that isn't a WOW character, his mother. She's only close to him at that moment because she's wandered close to his computer to hand him his breakfast Red Bull and take his laundry. She died a long time ago inside and is in actuality a hollow shell of her former self and in that sense is not a person at all. So the nerd is really talking to himself and anyone who cares to listen on the other end of his PS3 head-set mic while playing Little Big Planet. 

The Fantastic Poor: How White People are Saving Black America. 

Just watch the trailer for that terrible new movie starring that terrible old actor Sandra Bullock; The Blind Side*. 

     Out just in time for Christmas I see. Watch it? Good. Now watch it again but this time imagine the gigantic black kid is The Thing from The Fantastic Four. The movie could end with my buddy Pat's suggestion that the kid accidently hugs Sandra Bullock to death. Disney would like that, there's hugging!

     *Sure it's not a Disney pic but it's everything Disney stands for and you know it.** No matter how much they want to they're just too afraid to make something so pro-white because they don't want to piss off the millions of non-crackers who also buy all their stuff. It's not racism it's business. 

** Also I just wanted a chance to rip on it just a little bit. I mean just LOOK at it. 

Not a Spider-girl, Not Yet a Spider-woman. 
      We all know the inner turmoil between Peter Parker and Spider-Man. Do I have too much responsibility as a crime fighter? Do I even have a personal life anymore? Am I the man or the mask? Nail Gwen Stacey or nail one of the millions of hot Manhattanites that want a piece of their friendly neighborhood sex machine? My web-head is tingling! Maybe it's time the web-slinger had a partner who has already dealt with these kinds of identity problems? 

     Should Miley Cirus stay in the spotlight as Hanna Montana with her hoards of fans and millions of dollars and 50-year-old stalkers or should she live on a farm with the guy who wrote Achy Breaky Heart? Wait what? She chose the dirt farm? Hmmm maybe she isn't the person Peter Parker should be taking advise from. 

     Nevertheless that would make a somewhat entertaining movie. Exploding cakes, mall developers ruining a perfectly good star-studded barn party and the greatest super-villain of all, Tyra Banks*. Before engaging in a no limits cat-fight with Spider-man in a downtown shoe store or something she'll get to the bottom of his fashion or STD problems on her crappy show before awarding her entire studio audience with free samples of Vasaline. Oh I just had a shiver there. So evil. 

* Before you get your training bra all bunched up let me throw out there that I didn't watch the Hanna Montana movie. I read the plot summery on Wikipedia which was excruciating. I feel so bad for parents who had to sit through 90 minutes of that girl-pandering tripe.**

** Wait no I don't. 

     Mickey Mouse meets Wolverine? Er, Something? 
     I don't know, Mickey Mouse teaches The X-Men about jesus and the glory of right wing politics? They all disband, join various evangelical churches and finish eradicating the 'gay gene'. (X-Men 3 anyone?) Then Storm gets an abortion and the rest are forced to kill her. Enjoy your new movie Red States and anywhere in North America that's rural! 

Ho' for Sho'

     Here it is. Sexy female super-heroes show Disney princess how to slut it up in skin-tight cat-suits and about 150 of the creepiest people on earth are delighted. No need to skank up Princess Jasmine or The Little Mermaid. They're already there. Look at those exposed midriffs. So disgusting yet... I can't look away. Oh jesus.  I had better go and pray. 


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