Thursday, December 17, 2009

File Under: Outrageous! (Let's chat about sex, baby.)


     It's no lie that I've had relations with many beautiful women. I mean let us just put that down on the poker table for a lickity second. I have had lots of sexy, sexy-sex and I can tell you that I enjoy the fucking shit out of it! Also I'm
pretty sure my females are fond of it too. They always seem to fall bums-over-boobies for my charm and rock-hard abs and I don't want to blame them. Nor can I! I am one succulent piece of man-meat. I mean I am a real testosterone treat of Heston-al proportions and that's NOT just what my parents tell me. I tend to use my scorching sexuality to literally charm them out of their 7 jeans and Wicked Weasel sheer bikinis. (Neiman Marcus can suck it! Oh I bet he'd just love that.) 

     Everyone and their sexy grandma knows I'm a bonerfied twenty-five hour sex machine but sometimes I can't always charm and seduce 'on site' like I would prefer, ya' dig? There's nothing hotter than sidling up next to a pretty lady at a social function, firmly grasping the small of her trembling back, staring her down ruthlessly with my piercing soul and gently yelling in her face, "You smell of frankincense and corn-beef hash! And baby, them shits is getting me off!" At this point I'd try to whip out my petrified tree stump and place it in her hand. (Romance, yes!) And as much as they'd all love it, I can't physically enter all of my bottom bitches at once ... not until the surgery. (They can beg and plead all they want but that plane ticket to the 'North Korean Government Institute of Medicine and Tree Bark Consumption' isn't going buy itself. X-mas gift hint! *WINK*) 

     What follows is an ACTUAL interweb convo between the Grand Master-Orgazmer, (yours truly) and one of my latest sexy sexual conquests. BONUS POINTS: This particular vagina seems to be literate which is always a bonus because after we wet-hump she can co-sign on a used van loan for me. (My band needs to go on tour damnit! The Rusty Q-Tips must make Lollapalooza!)  

     Everyone at the high school is always asking me how I can bed so much fine tail while using so few "helper pills". It's simple, you need to captivate them. Make them feel special and romance the fucking crap out of them. Show them, (or in this case type to them) the romantic, daring man that she's been longing for and she'll show the sexy, mysterious, exotic woman that's deep inside her . Then if all goes well she'll show you her mysterious, exotic private parts where you can be inside! (Zinger.) 

Now, see how I use my master linguistics to leave her moist and wanting, (stolen joke). I hope you're all taking notes because this is how online seduction is done. And remember people, THIS WAS A REAL CONVERSATION!!!!

Karyn says: (10:26:11 PM)
i have no plans xmas day

Karyn says: (10:26:16 PM)
except me, xbox, 12 pack of beer

Karyn says: (10:26:22 PM)
and hopefully some bud

Jeff says: (10:26:29 PM)
i am there

Karyn says: (10:26:31 PM)
and im gonna drink and smoke my sorrows away

Jeff says: (10:26:31 PM)

Karyn says: (10:26:37 PM)
no you'll be with your family yo

Jeff  says: (10:26:42 PM)
not ALL day

Karyn says: (10:26:46 PM)

Karyn says: (10:26:50 PM)
then you can come over xmas day :)

Jeff says: (10:26:56 PM)
of course

Jeff says: (10:27:00 PM)
like i said

Karyn says: (10:27:02 PM)
i love you so much.

Jeff says: (10:27:02 PM)
best xmas ever

Karyn says: (10:27:05 PM)

Karyn says: (10:27:05 PM)
love you

Jeff says: (10:27:13 PM)
hahaha we need to get married

Jeff says: (10:27:17 PM)
then we can rule the world

Karyn says: (10:27:31 PM)
but you cant satisfy me in ways that a woman needs to be satisfied.

Karyn says: (10:27:32 PM)

Jeff says: (10:28:07 PM)
pfft whatever. You're just afriad of my raw power. haha.

Karyn says: (10:28:20 PM)
i sure am

Jeff says: (10:28:42 PM)
I named my balls Black and Decker. (seriously one of them is permanently black from frostbite.)

Jeff says: (10:29:11 PM)
it was featured in Scientific America

Jeff says: (10:29:24 PM)
2004, issue 11

Jeff says: (10:29:55 PM)
"December: Nature's Man-Neuterer" 

Jeff says: (10:31:15 PM)
It was in a center spread alongside a man who's scrotum was pierced by a polar bear's claw in Alaska and a boy who's penis was bitten off by a shopping mall Santa

Jeff says: (10:33:54 PM)
I remember it like it was yesterday

Jeff says: (10:34:05 PM)
That grey December morn

Jeff says: (10:34:28 PM)
Wendy ********* told me to rush over for sex and like a fool I believed her

Jeff says: (10:34:52 PM)
I had just hopped out of my homemade hot-tub when I received her telegram.

Karyn says: (10:35:40 PM)
you are ridiculous.  
Jeff says: (10:36:13 PM)
Telegrams take a very long time to come across the wire so naturally I was afraid if I took too long she may finish without me, (and she only wants to boff 3 times a year, max. When she gave birth to her two obnoxious babes it totally ruined her vaggg. It takes her a long time to get in the mood)

Jeff says: (10:36:46 PM)
So I made the decision to leave directly from my nude-tubbing therapy and run right over. I couldn't afford to miss another ovulation. 

Jeff says: (10:37:00 PM)
I ran and ran and ran, literally freezing my balls off

Jeff says: (10:37:09 PM)
and when I got there...

Jeff says: (10:37:14 PM)
I was too late.

Jeff says: (10:37:35 PM)
Big Ol' George answered the door wearing nothing but a loosely hanging robe

Jeff says: (10:37:54 PM)
He took one look at me and rushed my blue-balled ass (i know) inside

Jeff says: (10:38:39 PM)
He tried to smack his testes against mine to warm them, or at least bring the feeling back, (so he told me) but it was too late for little lefty.

Jeff says: (10:39:50 PM)
Wendy was satisfied for another financial quarter, George and I had bonded in ways I never thought we could, (they stuck together a few times like a child's tongue on a frozen tether-ball post) and my genitals were rendered frozen and useless.  

Jeff says: (10:40:09 PM)
But I couldn't give up

Karyn says: (10:40:15 PM)
Jeff says: (10:40:16 PM)
I had to get them working again

Karyn says: (10:40:21 PM)
can i post this on facebook and tag stephanie and pat?

Jeff says: (10:40:22 PM)
working together as a fucking TEAM

Karyn says: (10:40:22 PM)
srs ly

Jeff says: (10:40:29 PM)
like they were meant to

Karyn says: (10:40:32 PM)

Karyn says: (10:40:33 PM)

Jeff says: (10:40:33 PM)
righty-tighty was so lonely,

Jeff says: (10:41:05 PM)
I went through a strict nutritional and physical training regime.

Jeff says: (10:42:41 PM)
I would tie a large ankle weight to lefty with my now, dread-lock-like (i know) pubic mane. I would walk everywhere, two moderately paced steps forward and one excruciating fall backwards into an ocean of pain. All day every day. 

Jeff says: (10:43:25 PM)
I also trained my cat to stand on its hind legs and box with my ball like it was a little, black, pruney, speed-bag   

Jeff says: (10:44:38 PM)
I ate nothing but steel wool and strawberry churros for three years. Peeing was quite the ordeal as the wool always preferred to exit the hard way.  

Jeff says: (10:45:06 PM)
But now it's back, black and better than ever.

Jeff says: (10:45:14 PM)
I've formed a new bond with the cat

Jeff says: (10:45:38 PM)
and the steel wool trapped in my urethra has given me a perma-hard. 

Jeff says: (10:46:10 PM)
(I tape it down whenever we hang out so you don't go thinking you can actually arouse me or anything. I don't like to give false hope)

Jeff says: (10:46:28 PM)
So now I'm as great as I ever was

Jeff says: (10:47:48 PM)
two working balls, a steel-infused everlasting robot dick and a smooth black testicle that looks like a chunk of sapphire the size of an orange that's been cruising around in a rock tumbler for a few hundred tumble-cycles. 

Jeff says: (10:48:04 PM)
That's just me

Jeff says: (10:48:10 PM)
No more, no less

Jeff says: (10:48:17 PM)
Wendy better watch out come May

Jeff says: (10:48:35 PM)
'Cause Black, Decker and Everlasting Cock 3000 are waiting

Karyn says: (10:48:35 PM)
you are soooo awesome

Jeff says: (10:48:38 PM)
End scene 

Jeff says: (10:48:48 PM)
it's all true

Karyn says: (10:48:53 PM)
gonna get high with shane and micah

Jeff says: (10:48:59 PM)
yeah I'm hungry

Jeff says: (10:49:12 PM)
I think I'm going to publish this on my blog

Karyn says: (10:49:27 PM)
you should

Karyn says: (10:49:28 PM)
totally should

Karyn says: (10:49:30 PM)
gotta go

Karyn says: (10:49:32 PM)

Jeff says: (10:49:35 PM)
And I'm not going to fix and spelling mistakes

Jeff says: (10:49:37 PM)

Jeff says: (10:49:48 PM)
Oh no, here comes my cat

Jeff says: (10:49:53 PM)
he's got that look in his eye

Jeff says: (10:50:00 PM)

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